In Praise of the Smoking Gods
So the time to quit smoking has come. And as I prepare to depart the sacred circle of smoke, I think about the magick I have woven with smoking over the years. Magick? Smoking? Oh, yeah, be not fooled or underestimate the magickal potential of acts that are on the verge of becoming non-socially acceptable. Tobacco and smoking is a power path in one of its most wonderful forms.
Before I join the ranks of the non-smoking (and probably forget the following as a result), here are a few facts that are unknown to non-smokers.
UNKNOWN SMOKING FACT: Pissed off smokers have way more lung capacity than non-smokers. This fact can by used in the ultimate power play.
First, it can be used to express distain in a way that extends beyond comparison to other methods. If someone annoys you, simply lower your head and look through your eyes brows until they start to squirm a little bit. Then look at your cigarette and take a nice long drag and gain a full capacity of inhalation. Then raise your head make full eye contact with the offending peon and hold your breath for the count of three, then as slowly as possible blow the full measure of smoke into their face.
Watch them. They will try to win over the power struggle and hold their breath. This where the enhanced pissed off lung capacity fact enters. Eventually, they surrender and will start coughing. The smoker is then fully entitled to boundless smirking of the dominator. Remember, the first to cough loses in the power struggle.
UNKNOWN SMOKING FACT: Smokers are more satisfied lovers.
First off, smokers have two orgasms for every one a non-smoker has. The obviously first one and then the second one, when we light up after sex. The smoke after sex is deeply intense spiritual moment for the smoker. We have a direct connection with the smoking gods. Nothing exists between them and us at that moment. Non-smokers will never understand because they have never experienced that moment of enlightenment and satisfaction, but another smoker will. If you have two smokers after sex, then you have a congregation.
Women can feel more satisfied by getting another seven minutes of cuddling out of a man after sex. This is ONLY if you do not forcibly interrupt the ritual between the adept and their union with the smoking gods. Remember, this is their temple. No negative or mundane comments are accepted in the temple or all cuddling will stop immediately and you will be eyed with deep suspicion for defiling the sanctity of the mystical experience.
RECOMMENDED: Say nothing or say something like, “You look way sexy right now. “
NOT RECOMMENDED: You are making my hair stink. Do you HAVE to do that NOW? You’re going to die, you know. Are you driving the kids tomorrow? That pimple is way nasty. It’s your turn to get the washcloth.
UNKNOWN SMOKING FACT: Smokers are not stupid.
I always found it interesting that non-smokers start “those” discussions with, “Don’t you know that…”
While the smoker smiles and usually says nothing, this is the mental response of the Smoker.
- I have only heard it 94 times a day from non-smokers, of course, I had no idea.
- Of course not, smoking has prevented me from having an education and has removed all desire to watch news on television, read newspapers, or otherwise, keep advised on such subjects.
- Of course not, I never go to the doctor.
- Oh, Great! Here we go again!
- Does this person realize that they are making me want to smoke right now?
UNKNOWN SMOKING FACT: All roads don’t lead to smoking.
When a smoker coughs, they constantly get comments regarding how they wouldn’t cough like that if the didn’t smoke. Remember, any of the following does not count towards an illness if you are a smoker (1) exposure to TB, (2) you have a 106 degree fever and boogers streaming down your face in such copious amounts that you have to stuff Kleenex up your nostrils, and (3) the crappy perfume of the person standing in front of you that is keying off allergy induced asthma.
Really, it doesn’t count. Even if you respond that you are sick or have any non-smoker condition, you are not PERMITTED to have that condition. It is entirely due to smoking. If you argue the point ad infinitum, the best a smoker can get is the disdainful look with the comment: “I don’t think so, but if you’re right, it wouldn’t be so bad, if you didn’t smoke.” This immediately followed with the triumphant “See how smart I am” look.
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I am going to miss smoking. I have always enjoyed it. The really funny and ironic part is that the main thing I won’t miss when I become a non-smoker will be the non-smokers.
Pagan and Wiccan TV Shows We REALLY want to see!
Pimp my Besom
Extreme Priestess Makeover
Trading Covens
3 Men and a Crone
Bachelor High Priest
America’s Top Spellcaster
Iron Cauldron Chef
Casting with the Stars
Familiar Whisperers
REVERSE TAPS – Ghosts come to investigate mortals!
Pagan Idols
C.S.I. Salem
Wiccan Wheel of Fortune
Spiriual Jeopardy (I’ll take Ancient Grimoires for $500, Alec.)
And the Movie of the Week! 9:00 pm: Movie: The Denomination (Horror) – Four young pagans dabble in Christianity, with predictably horrific results
You Know Wicca/Paganism Has Gone Mainstream, when…
You know that Wicca and paganism has gone mainstream when the movie The Wickerman is parodied in Legos. lol!
